WANT TO MARRY AN AJNABI MAN? MY ADVICE!

I must say that there's a bit of an ajanabi (non-Somali) craze going on these days especially among the girls. It's quite prevalent among many masaajid girls. Once a white man converts to Islam and becomes a regular in the masaajid (mosque) they're all over him! This bothers me. In addition, there a lot of stories going around about Somali girls who have been divorced by their ajanabi husbands; the parents like to say this happened because the husband wasn't Somali.



Now, before y'all start the accusations, let me inform you that I am not an ajanabi hater. Neither am I a person who strictly stays with their "own kind"; race and/or culture is of no concern to me. Rather, this post is my sincere advice to my abaayo, my sister in kinship, or even to any other non-Somali woman, who is about to marry or is interested in someone who is ajanabi. My advise is based on the experiences of others and myself. So. About to marry an ajanabi? Interested in a particular one? Read on!

1. Love Your Roots

Take pride in who you are first of all. You don't choose the ethnic/cultural background you are born into. You just end up being a part of one group or the other and that's the end of it. You have no choice in the matter. So why reject the place that you come from? Be proud of where your ancestors came from. Embrace it and make it your own.

2. "Oh, my husband isn't Somali" *haughty face*

DO NOT MARRY SOMEONE JUST BECAUSE THEY AREN'T SOMALI. I've noticed that a lot of girls are into non-Somalis for the main reason that he is not Somali. This is a very bad thing! When you truly love someone you love him for who he is, not what culture or race he belongs to. When you truly love someone, you won't even notice his skin colour or the fact that he's not of the same background as you. In fact, you will forget that he's different! You won't even remember until someone asks "Is he Somali?", or when you notice people giving you looks, or when you accidentally use Somali when speaking to him. Take it from me.



I feel that marrying outside of one's race/culture has become a desire and fascination of the “exotic“. What was formerly inaccessible due to religious differences has now become accessible through conversion. I‘ve noticed that quite a few Somali girls pursue and marry converts who were ex-convicts and don‘t even have a penny to their name. Don‘t get me wrong, I‘m not judgmental and am all for looking past people‘s previous mistakes. However, my issue with this is that these girls would not even look at a Somali man who is exactly the same - had previously been in jail or is poor - because he is not ajanabi. This is not right. Anyways, not only is it an injustice towards others, but also an injustice to themselves. Why settle for less if a man's financial status is so important? Does the differences in race/culture make up for it? Never degrade yourself my abaayos. You will only be in misery after the honeymoon phase wears off. Remember: marriage is supposed to be a lifetime; your husband is your partner in life.

3. Intention, Intention, Intention!

Check his intentions towards you! I cannot stress this enough. Does he want you for you or your body? This is advice that applies to every man but even more so when marrying non-Blacks. Unlike many Somali parents, I don't believe that a non-Black ajanabi wants to marry a sister only for sex. However, be on your guard for non-Black ajanabis who are interested in you. Why you ask? Allow me to remind you of the fascination and desire for the Black woman's body. So just make sure he wants you for YOU.

4. Be Wary of Certain Cultures

You should not marry into certain cultures that you would have trouble adjusting to. This is not racist at all. It is a reality that some cultures have been difficult for some people, whether man or woman. When you marry a person, remember that you will have to adapt to his culture.

"But it's just a culture!" you exclaim. Not really! A culture is also a way of life. It dictates what you eat and how you live your life. For example, let's say you're going to marry a Chinese man. You will have to incorporate traditional Chinese food into your regular diet. If you don't like Chinese food, this will be a serious problem. It would be unfair of you to cook only Somali food. You should also cook food that he is familiar with. That way both people are happy.

In addition, adoption of culture between partners is usually unequal; the female is usually the partner who will adopt more of her partner's culture. So if you don't like his culture (i.e. traditional dishes), this will be a serious problem!

I'd also like to point out that certain cultures may limit your freedom as a wife. Girl, if you think the Somali culture is patriarchal, look at other cultures! I will not name them but I'm sure you can think of at least one culture other than your own that is more patriarchal. And as a Muslim wife, it is your duty to listen to your husband. Do you want to listen to an overbearing oppressive (albeit unintentionally) man? So be careful!

5. His Entire Family Lives Where?!

Think twice before marrying a man whose family does not live in the country where you live (i.e. they live back home). What if your husband decides to live back home permanently or for a long period of time? You may not like his country and you can't really refuse to go there. Not only is that offensive, but you will be robbing him of seeing his family. In addition, your children deserve to have extended visits or live in the land of their ancestors (don't forget that they will have two lands of origin; they belong to another place as well). Another point to consider is that you will be far away from your own family. Another point is that you won't be able to meet his family before marriage to see what they're like. So think twice, before vowing to spend the rest of your life with a man with zero family and relatives in the country you're living in.

6. His Momma is a Racist B****

DO NOT marry a man who's momma doesn't like you because you're black. This goes for any man you want to marry; don't marry him until his mother likes you! He will tell you that he doesn't care what his mother thinks but don't be fooled by that. Some men may actually not care what their parents think about their significant other but there are some who do. Remember, every human being would put his momma first above any other person. Eventually, he may begin to believe what his mother is always saying about you.

In addition, don't forget that his mother will be your children's grandmother! Do you want them to have a grandmother who doesn't like their mother and possibly doesn't like them? If you need to leave your kids with someone for a little while so you can have a date night with your husband or whatever, are you going to tell your husband you don't feel comfortable leaving your children with his mother? He won't see any problem entrusting her with his children's care because that's his mother. Resentments can occur between people because of the husband's or wife's mother-in-law. I advise you to wait until his mother has looked past her racial prejudices.

7. Learn About His Culture and Remove Stereotypes

This one is very obvious but I'll just say it anyways! Make the effort to learn about his culture. If he speaks another language, learn a few words. Find out what his favourite traditional dish is so you can make it for him when you get married It will definitely impress him and he will appreciate the effort. He should also be doing the same and be willing to learn a few words of Somali and find out what you're favourite Somali dish is.

You also have to remove any common misconceptions and stereotypes you may have about his race or culture. Don't assume he acts in a certain way or likes certain things just because of his race. For a hilarious video about stereotypes, watch this episode of "AWKWARD Black Girl":

8. Discuss Raising Children!

This is very straightforward. Children will be coming along in the future insha-Allah (God-willing) so it's important to make sure you are both on the same page when it comes to raising children. People usually raise their children the way their parents raised them and there may be significant differences especially if two people come from different races and cultures. So make sure you discuss how you want to raise your children before tying the knot!

9. Racist Parents? Show Respect!

Your parents, particularly your father, may not accept an ajanabi man. My first bit of advice regarding resistance from parents is to be respectful! Always be respectful. Remember, they are your parents and although they are wrong, they truly believe they are looking out for your best interests. The intention in their hearts is to protect you. Even if they are in the wrong, always be polite in your words and mannerisms for God has said:

"And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as], "uff," and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word. And lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy and say, 'My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small'" (Quran 17:23,24).

So remember to be respectful. In addition, I also advise you to speak to your mother first (if it's your father who is against interracial/intercultural relationships which is usually the case). That way, your mother can speak to your father on your behalf and hopefully convince him to give your ajanabi potential husband a chance!

It's important to remember being respectful because they may not let you go out with your friends anymore and may put you on some serious lockdown for fear of you going out to see him. It can be infuriating and difficult to be respectful! Which leads me to my next point.

10. Make Sure He's Worth the Trouble

You need to make sure he is worth all the struggles you'll be facing at home. Ever heard the quote "Follow your heart, but take your brain with you"? Yes, do what makes you happy but listen to your brain not your heart and desires. What does your brain tell you about him? Listen carefully. What is it telling you about this man? Is he worth fighting for? Is he worth losing your parents' trust? Is he worth being on lockdown? Think carefully and wisely my abaayos!

11. DO NOT RUN AWAY WITH HIM!*

I am so serious. Don't ever elope with ANY man regardless of whether he is ajanabi or not. Have respect for yourself. If he is telling you to run away with him he does not respect you. A Muslim man who truly fears God will NEVER tell you to run away with him. A man who tells you to run away with him does not care about your Akhirah (Hereafter). And don't run away from home in an attempt to convince your parents except under extreme conditions, like your parents are beating you or whatever, but even then, go to a female friend's home NOT his home.

Don't be fooled by sweet words like "I love you" and "I really want to be with you, we're meant to be together". A man who truly loves you and respects you will wait for you. He will not tell you to run away from your family to be with him. Neither will he give up on you. This resistance from your parents will show you if he really wants to be with you. If he is true to you, he will be patient and wait for you.

So don't run away with any man. How many girls have been screwed over by men they had run away with? And in the end, they lost both the man who promised them the world and their family who just wanted to protect them. Don't be foolish. See if he proves himself to you! 

*Marrying a man without the father's permission is a separate case for new Muslims with non-Muslim fathers. Please speak to an Imam about this if this applies to you.

12. Seek Guidance from Allah

Pray salatul istikharah. You should pray this special prayer before marrying any potential spouse regardless of race or culture. For information on how to perform this special prayer, read this article: http://www.hadithoftheday.com/inspiration/islamic-information/how-to-perform-salat-l-istikhara/

You should also make constant du'aa (supplication) to Allah! If your parents are still refusing to give your ajanabi potential husband a chance, you can also speak to a local Imam to step in to speak to your parents.

Y'all know David Bowie and Iman have to be a part of this post! :)

So that was my advice! And I'd like to remind you all that marriage is not a fairy-tale. Fairy tales and Hollywood has blinded many girls to have unrealistic expectations of marriage; it has led them to believe in the perfect husband aka Prince Charming. A lot of abaayos also believe that this so-called ajanabi Prince Charming is going to give them the perfect marriage that a Somali man cannot give them.

Remove this fantasy from your head! Firstly, no partner is perfect. A successful marriage takes hard work and two compatible people who really want to be together. Secondly, don't think that just because a man is not Somali, he is the best, and will make a better husband than a Somali one. There is good and bad men in all races and cultures!

Being with an ajanabi does give things more "spice" and makes life more interesting. Just dont  marry one for the wrong reasons or without having considered the advice I've given. And always be yourself. Hopefully, you will have a long lasting marriage insha-Allah. :) Remember, true love doesn't know colour or race! It only knows that soul for who it is.