PART 1: MY SPIRITUAL JOURNEY

Hello everyone! Or Assalamualaikum (peace be upon you)! I'm back woohoo! This blog ain't dead - yet. Hopefully, I never give up on this, I really enjoying posting and I've noticed I'm getting quite the views :) And the best feeling is getting comments! Thank-you, keep those comments coming - whether they're negative or positive - I love to read them :)

I'm going to share a short personal story today. The story I'd like to share today is my spiritual journey. We all think about religion and our purpose in life at some point in our lives; it's part of human nature. We begin to question a lot of things even if you are raised in a religious household. I was raised in a semi-religious Muslim household. And there came a time in my life where I began to struggle with my faith in Islam. Eventually, I even began to struggle in my faith in God. I became agnostic for a while. Did I just say that I was agnostic? A Muslim saying that she was agnostic? A'uthubillah! Relax. Don't get your panties into a twist. It's a reality for many people even those who are Muslim. Watch Sheikh Nouman Ali Khan's story about formerly being an atheist on the Deen Show:

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It's pretty surprising isn't it? Anyways, at first, I believed deep down that God was up there but I had doubts that Islam was the right way. I looked at other religions (I looked at the religious texts, not how the people worship and act) and none of them made sense to me or called out to me as the Divine Truth. In addition, I found many things that I did not agree with. For example, the way the Bible views women is completely offensive. For example, a wife is the property of her husband. Neither are women allowed to inherit a penny from her family if she has brothers (Numbers 27:8-11), unlike in Islam where a woman has the right to receive a share of the inheritance (Quran 4:7). Watch this video on the status of women before Islam came along: 

So I was very surprised. I certainly did not want to practice a religion that was oppressive towards women. And I thought the Quran was discriminatory!

So I kept turning back to Islam. I am sure that it has nothing to do with me being raised as a Muslim. It had to do with finding the truth for oneself as an INDIVIDUAL without any ties to anyone or anything or any familiar way of life. I didn't want to believe in and follow something just because my parents told me it was the truth. I wanted to decide for myself.

I think deep down I believed Islam to be true. But something was holding me back from fully accepting that. I think it had to do with the way some Muslim men wrongfully mistreat treat their wives and daughters. And I thought that some of the rules of the religion were too much and unnecessary. I also thought that some of the rules were discriminatory against women. Then one day I dealt myself the final blow that made me stop praying (I didn't really take prayer seriously beforehand anyways) and removed any faith in a Supreme Being - I watched a lecture by Ayaan Hersi. It was the dumbest mistake I ever made. I was so sickened and frightened by what she was saying that I had to turn it off. I couldn't continue watching it. I was shaking and crying.

From then on, I no longer considered myself a Muslim. I was already unsure about what I was but I firmly no longer considered myself a Muslim. Neither was I sure about God's existence. So I became agnostic. Life changed for me. I was in a lot of darkness. I felt empty inside. I went to sleep at night with dread. What was right? What if God actually was there? What will I do if I actually died while I was asleep and He was real? What excuse could I possibly give Him? Every morning, I woke up relieved I had lived another day but anxious about what to do about my loss in faith. Months passed by in a haze.

I felt so alone

I had never felt so lost. And alone. Never had I actually worried about Heaven and Hell. Never had I actually thought about standing before God to be judged on a coming day. Although I had become agnostic, I still observed some of the rules of Islamic modesty (i.e wearing loose clothing). Obviously, I still believed in modesty and a lot of what Islam taught - or rather what my parents taught me and the little I had learned from the Quran.

I watched many videos on YouTube and read many texts on the belief of God. Nothing was really working. So one day I decided to do what Nouman Ali Khan did - I enrolled myself in a tafseer (translation of the Quran) class where students study the translation of each verse and the context behind it is studied. My life changed after a while. The Quran called out to me. My heart and brain told me it was true. I felt this Truth resonating from all corners of my soul! How could I deny it? I've learned so much in the class and I'm grateful for it. I always knew that what some awful terrible Muslim men do to women under the name of Islam didn't accurately reflect the religion but I guess I needed to study the Quran to accept and believe that. I also learned the wisdom behind a lot of the rules in the Quran. Islam suddenly made a lot of sense to me and I just knew it had to the truth. For example, in Chapter 4, Verse 11, we learn:

"God commands you as regards your children's [inheritance]: to the male, a portion equal to that of two females..." (Quran 4:11).

Immediately, one would think that's completely unfair and discriminatory. But it makes sense. Just think about it. A man needs the money more than the woman because he needs to use that money to pay for his own wedding, house, and food. He also needs money to spend on his woman and buy her gifts and take her out! Even if a woman contributes to these expenses, it will ultimately be the man who is expected to, and should be, contributing the most. So the tafseer class changed me a lot. In addition, it has helped me believe in God again. I was able to turn back to the truth with new eyes and a better understanding.

So I decided to be a Muslim again. But there was a difference this time. I became a Muslim not by influence or familiarity but by my own free will to choose. I came out of the darkness into the light. I am Muslim and proud of it.

I'm not ashamed about this story. Some people may decide to judge me for losing faith whilst having been raised as a Muslim. But the fact is that this is a reality for a lot of Muslims.

Part 2 will be my advice on how to deal with struggling with your faith and how I've changed. Stay tuned :)