WEDDING NIGHT FEARS? MY MESSAGE TO MUSLIM WOMEN

Hi everyone! I haven't written anything in a while...school has been keeping me busy! It's my last year of undergraduate studies. Pray for me y'all! :)

Anyway, this post is not advice for what brides should do on their wedding night. I want to talk about a serious problem in the Muslim community that disturbs me. A lot of Muslim girls believe that even if they were scared or nervous, they cannot refuse to have sex with their husbands on their wedding night because of the hadeeth that says a woman will be cursed by the angels until morning if she refuses. Instead of telling their new husbands they want to take things slowly, girls are resorting to some sort of patch that they stick on their arm that prevents their menstruation cycle from coming. Then, they take it off before their nikaah so that their period comes on their wedding day and then ta-da!! They have a “legitimate” reason to avoid having sex on their wedding night.  Others, force themselves to have sex with their husbands despite being terrified and afraid. There are SO many things wrong with this! It disturbs me to no end!

First of all, I believe this is deceit. Imagine if a man found out his wife did this. He'd be hurt that he was tricked and that even worse, his wife didn’t feel safe with him. Because that’s basically what it is. There is no trust! If you feel like you can’t discuss such an important thing with your husband, you don’t trust him. Your husband is supposed to love, support, and comfort you. You are supposed to do the same. If you can’t talk to your husband about something so important as your fears...why did you marry him?

And women need to stop with this “Men are animals and only want sex” excuse! Men are not animals. Some are, but most aren’t. Yeah, I’m sure that every Muslim man is excited to have sex with his wife for the first time. What man isn’t? BUT! Like women, men also have insecurities and fears. They’re just not as open about it as women are. If he’s a virgin, he is just as nervous and scared as you are. Ask any man! And even if he isn’t, do you really believe your husband is going to be angry that you want to take things slowly? Especially since you have never even held hands before the nikaah? Your husband would much rather have you enjoy yourself instead of feeling afraid to have sex for the first time! The last thing a man wants is for his wife to feel like he raped her.

Yes a man has rights over his wife in the bedroom, but a woman ALSO has rights over her husband. Sex is not about one person. It’s a beautiful thing that happens between two people WILLINGLY. It’s something where two people are pleasing each other. SO LOVE YOURSELF! Your feelings are just as important as any man’s feelings! If it wasn’t, would the Prophet, peace be upon him, have forbidden men from forcing themselves on their wives? From beginning intercourse without first making sure she is ready? They have to woo their wives first!

"Not one of you should fall upon his wife like an animal; but let there first be a messenger between you." "And what is that messenger?" they asked, and he replied: "Kisses and words." (Daylami)

So clearly, women's feelings and their enjoyment during sex also matters in Islam. It's not only about men. 

I'm no expert and am still learning about Islam. But I spoke to my tafseer teacher, who is qualified and knowlegable, about this hadeeth that has Muslim girls turning to, in my opinion, deceit. This hadeeth is geared towards women who have no reason to say no and lord sex over their husbands and refuse just because they want to. And then their husbands are forced to fulfill their sexual urges somewhere else and therefore commit haram. If you are a virgin who is scared and want to physically get to know your husband slowly you can! Tell him gently and nicely. It is not a crime and your husband should be okay with it. If he's not, there is a serious problem. Ask someone knowledgeable and qualified about the meaning of this hadeeth.

So please girls! Love yourself and realize that your feelings and fears are important. Islam is a beautiful religion which has given rights to both men and women. Remember that your husband is supposed to be your best friend and lover at the same time. Be open with him! Trust and communication is number one. 

I do realize that this is a sensitive topic. So if I hurt anyone's feelings I apologize. It was not my intent at all!

Much love.