FORBIDDEN INTERRACIAL LOVE

Can I have your daughter for the rest of my life?

Say yes, say yes

Cuz I need to know

You say I'll never get your blessing 'till the day I die

Tough luck my friend, but the answer is no!

-"Rude", Magic

Sound like your situation? 

*Sigh* 

The abuse of wali/guardian power. What a huge issue in the Muslim community. Many fathers reject a potential husband for their daughter for reasons like he's not of the same ethnic or racial background, he's not educated enough, he's not rich, etc. Serious ridiculousness. One of the duties of a Muslim father is to make sure that his daughter(s) get married to a suitable God-fearing man. 

"The Messenger of Allah said: "When someone whose religion and character you are pleased with come to you, then marry [her to] him. If you do not do so, then there will be turmoil (Fitnah) in the land and discord (Fasad). If you do not do so, then there will be turmoil (Fitnah) in the land and discord (Fasad)." They said: "O Messenger of Allah! What if there was something about him?" He said: "When someone whose religion and character you are pleased with comes to you then marry him." (And he (pbuh) said this) three times" (Jami' at-Tirmidhi, 1084).

Unfortunately, many fathers are betraying the trust Allah has given them.

Relatives and some of my friends have or are going through this. Heck, I've been through this crap before and I know exactly how it feels. You feel frustrated. Angry. Maybe claustrophobic.  

So here's some advice with contribution from my friend (credits to you, you know who you are!). Real talk from sisters who've been there to you - whether you're Muslim or not! :)

1. Pray

This should be the first thing you do. Regardless of your religion, pray to God for guidance. He hears all. If you're Muslim, pray Salat-il-Istakhara. You can read an article with a clear explanation and the steps of how to perform it here at hadithoftheday(dot)com.

2. Check your intentions

Reflect on the reasons why you want to marry him. This is an important thing to do regardless of your parents' approval! What is attractive to you about him? Are they superficial reasons? Do you want to marry him solely because you don't want to marry the kind of man your parents want for you and you want to rebel? Or maybe just because he's rich? Or is it because he's of a different race? Ask yourself these questions. And remember - things like wealth and good looks are temporary. In addition, remember that after the honeymoon phase, all the excitement and newness of everything will die down; what will keep that love kindled and strengthened over time is mainly character and who that person is as an individual and how they treat you. And let's not forget about compatibility!

3. Is he worth the fight?

I've mentioned this before in "About to Marry an Ajanabi Man? My Advice!" You have to make sure he is worth all the struggles you'll be facing at home. It's going to be a battle (figuratively speaking, be respectful!) between you and your parents. Your parents may react in different degrees from just refusing to even meet the man, keeping you on lock-down, forcing you to leave school, or worse, beating you.

So listen to your brain. Think logically. What does your brain tell you about him? What is it telling you about this man? Is he worth fighting for? Is he worth losing your parents' trust? Is he worth being on lock-down? It may help to write a list of your answers and write down what you do or don't like about him. Be honest with yourself. This is what I did in addition to praying and talking to my close friends and family. He was great and had everything going for him. But...I realized our personalities were too different. So I let him go. To say it was a very difficult and extremely painful thing to do would be an understatement. What hurt me the most was having to hurt him. But sometimes, you have to do what's best for yourself, even if your feelings don't want you to. But alhamdulilah (all praise to God), I survived and moved on with my life. So you can too, if you end up having to do what I did. 

Now.

On to the next point.

4. Persistence

He should constantly ask your dad for permission! If he's serious about you, he'll do this. Heck, you shouldn't even have to tell him to do this. He should do it on his own. But if not, tell him, "If you want to marry me, keep asking my dad". Even if your dad refuses to meet him, find a way for them to meet. Even have him come over somehow! That way, your dad will see how serious the man is about you. It's not enough for your dad to hear how serious your potential husband is from you. He needs to see it for himself. Keep in mind that fathers are naturally over-protective over their daughters. Your dad is only trying to protect you and wants the best for you. Furthermore, you yourself will see how serious your potential husband is about you. A man who is in it for the long run WILL be fighting for you and WILL wait however long it takes. Remember that. 

5. Talk to your mom

Your mom may be able to get your dad to chill out. Fathers will rarely communicate everything they feel and think about certain things involving you to your face. They always communicate to you about this stuff through your mom. Even if they're threatening you. Take it from me.  Your mom is the "middle-man". If you think your dad isn't thinking about you and the man he is rejecting when he doesn't talk to you about it he is. He consults with his wife - your momma. So talk to her and try to get her on your side. It makes things a little better when you have your mom supporting you. 

6. “I'm never getting married!“

Self-explanatory. Say this to the 'rents if it comes down to it. That there ain't ever gonna be a wedding and you ain't marrying no one other than him. They need to see how serious you are about this man. 

7. Be patient

There is absolutely no rush. Take your time! Make sure he isn't rushing you as well. You both need to think things through. One Somali proverb says: “The faster you climb up a tree, the faster you fall down from it“. When you quickly climb up a tree, you'll most likely make a misstep or lose your grip and fall off. But if you take your time, you'll be up that tree successfully. Likewise, whenever you work hard for something and take your time without rushing, you can think properly and make decisions that are good for you. So waiting allows you to learn more about him. Additionally, things like this take time. If you have to wait 2 years...well, then I guess that's how long you'll have to wait. There are people out there who have waited many years before they could marry the person they wanted. And in the end, it was worth the wait. If the two of you love each other and want to be together, you will both wait as long as it takes for that dream of being together to come true. Fighting to be together only increases the appreciation and affection you have for each other especially when you finally do get married. So be patient and don't give up. If it's meant to happen, it'll happen.

8. Think about yourself

Sometimes parents guilt-trip their kids into doing things to please themselves. This includes guilting their sons or daughters into marrying someone THEY want instead of the person their child brought home. When it comes to a major life decision like marriage it's YOUR choice.Yes, respect your parents! The Creator has commanded you to do so. But! Don't marry someone you don't like just to please your parents. Remember - your husband is your partner in life and the father of your future children inshaAllah (God-willing). And at the end of the day, it's YOU who will be living with your husband. So think about yourself and your well-being. If you like the man your parents want for you and you want to marry him, then go ahead. But if you don't, don't marry him. You don't have to.

If it ends up not working out, just remember that it was not meant to be. Yes, this is a cliche but it's true. God is in charge of your destiny. Maybe He didn't want you to marry the guy you wanted because He knows you'll end up getting divorced somewhere down the line. Or maybe he's actually a wife beater. Who knows except Allah? So keep on praying and you'll end up with your prince when you are ready for it. :D 

If anyone has anything to add or whatever, feel free to comment below. 

Much love!